Sometimes,
in the late afternoon,
I just go up to my room,
closing the door gently behind me,
and then I lay on my bed
and wait.

​

I watch the walls as I wait
or I'll scroll mindlessly.
I sit
as the light creeps away
as the walls around me close in
and darken.

 

And I think to myself,
This.
This is the feeling.
The feeling of knowing
knowing that the world
is going to close in on you
and it will happen any second now.

​

And you can do absolutely nothing
not a single thing
to stop it
to keep the sun up
to scare away the dark
and hide your own scary thoughts.

 

I sit on my bed.
waiting
for the darkness to creep in
because it's the only thing
that makes me feel anything 

and then

 

and then
it comes
it happens
and I realise

I wasn't waiting for that feeling

And so I just lay there.

 

I lay there
hoping that
this time
the darkness will finally take me.
I might finally let go of the breath I've been holding so long
and I will finally feel better.

​

But it never does
It never takes me
Because deep down I know
I know I can't let it
I know I can't leave.
And so I stay

 

No matter how much I want to go.

​

​

I used to like it when the sun set.